And now, the stunning conclusion to my trilogy.......
10. You are no longer attached to your smart phone since you can't bring it into work and it has fried its little phone brain in your car one too many times, so you just leave it at home.
Comment: There are no cell phones allowed in prison because they are contraband. I have fried three smart phones by leaving them in the car during the hot summer months, so now I no longer bring my phone to work, unless I have to go somewhere afterwards and I need it to communicate or for navigation assistance. That being said, I am no longer as attached to my phone as I used to be and I can go DAYS at a time without checking my Facebook. It's actually nice, because by not being engrossed in my phone I can actually interact with the world and instead of 495 Facebook friends, I have real live friends that I talk to face to face. It's quite nice actually, I highly recommend everyone go on a smart phone detox every once in a while.
11. You have enough uniform shirts to not have to do laundry for 3 weeks.
Comment: In my prison, we wear uniforms, and you get 5 shirts when you start and 1-3 shirts (depending on if you also order pants. Note about prison pants--sometimes the zipper stops working and will just fall down at inopportune moments. There's nothing more embarrassing than having an offender let you know your fly is down. I have stopped purchasing DOC pants.) every year thereafter. You can also go to the Old Shirt Closet and get more shirts if you need them. Right now in my closet I have at least 15 shirts, and that's because I gave some of them to Minion #2 because her initial issue took forever to get to her.
12. You tell people how to behave in public and they actually comply because you sound so authoritative.
Comment: This has happened to me at least twice that I can remember and they still make me laugh. The first one was when I saw a kid stealing candy at the airport and I made him pay for it. The second time was at a major retail store and I overheard someone complaining at customer service that there were kids panhandling outside the store. As I was leaving, they asked me for money and I told them no and they needed to leave because this was not the appropriate venue for their actions. I guess my librarian voice has a lot of power haha.
13. You have to hold yourself back from telling people no touching and they need to be 6" apart at all times.
Comment: This is similar to when you feel weird when people touch you-you also feel weird when people touch each other. It's ok, people are not in prison and if they want to hold hands at the grocery store it is not your responsibility to stop them.
14. You avoid dress-down days because your jeans don't have enough pockets.
Comment: I also avoid dress-down days because my belt doesn't fit around my jeans because my work pants are high-waisted. But even if I had a belt that would work, my jeans pockets can't comfortably hold my keys, and I don't want people to look at my bottom half in tight pants, which are the only kinds of jeans I own haha.
And that concludes my list of observations I have made about myself over these past 5 years. I am sure I will think of more, which will just lead to more blog posts. If any of you loyal readers have some funny stories about how you know you've been in prison too long I'd love to hear them!
Until next time!