Sometimes there are stories that float around prison and while their origins are shady, EVERYONE knows them and swears up and down that they are true. I heard this one the other day and I finally have an answer as to why so many of my books go missing when people parole. But I take solace in the fact that at least somewhere out there, someone is reading them. :-)
Apparently, when you are in prison it is SUPER BAD LUCK to leave a book unfinished. If you are in the middle of 12th of Never by James Patterson and the graveyard staff come in the middle of the night to pack you out because you're free now* and you have 20 pages left but they won't let you finish reading it, you are screwed and Karma will bring you back to prison just so you can finish reading that book. Now, according to one of my clerks, if you read the last page and then throw the book with all your might against the wall you will be ok. However, a second clerk debunked the first one by saying "That does NOT work, I tried it and look where I am, back where I started!"
However, I know one FOOLPROOF way to keep from coming back to prison, regardless of if you finished your book or not. Change your behaviors and don't break the law. It will work every time, I promise.
*Librarian Mythbusting Note: Most people are released in the morning, and they have PLENTY of notice to finish their books.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Staying healthy in prison, Part 2
So I was talking to one of my fellow librarians about my clerk having Whooping Cough and she asked if I had gotten the updated vaccine, to which I replied, "I got the one when I was little. That's updated enough!" Well, turns out it is not and that's why she's my friend--brilliant! :-) So I have decided to post a list of important vaccines for prison librarians as well as reasons why:
1. Whooping cough. Because you never know when your clerks will come down with it because their moms were anti-vaccine.
2. Tetanus. Remember the post about how librarians are expected to participate in facility shakedowns? Well, if you are lucky enough to find the rusty shank, but unlucky enough to find it WITH YOUR UNGLOVED HAND THAT IS NOW BLEEDING, you will probably want to not get tetanus because I hear it is nasty.
3. Hepatitis. A, B, C, D, H, I, J, Z......any Hepatitis you can get vaccinated for, you should. Really, you can only get vaccinated for Hep A and B and there are only 5 types, but that is NOT something you want to contract, so get vaccinated.
4. Chicken Pox. I got it when I was in kindergarten, but it seems like kids nowadays just get the vaccine and never have to deal with the itchy spots. If you are in that generation where you never got chicken pox in school, and never got around to getting vaccinated, probably should just do it because you never know with kids nowadays.
5. Influenza. Now, personally, every time I get the flu shot, I get so sick, so I never get one and I never get sick. BUT, my immune system is a champ so you should probably get it unless you know that yours is a champ as well (i.e. you haven't taken a sick day in 15 months.)
And remember the Prison Golden Rule: If it's wet and it's not yours, DON'T TOUCH IT.
1. Whooping cough. Because you never know when your clerks will come down with it because their moms were anti-vaccine.
2. Tetanus. Remember the post about how librarians are expected to participate in facility shakedowns? Well, if you are lucky enough to find the rusty shank, but unlucky enough to find it WITH YOUR UNGLOVED HAND THAT IS NOW BLEEDING, you will probably want to not get tetanus because I hear it is nasty.
3. Hepatitis. A, B, C, D, H, I, J, Z......any Hepatitis you can get vaccinated for, you should. Really, you can only get vaccinated for Hep A and B and there are only 5 types, but that is NOT something you want to contract, so get vaccinated.
4. Chicken Pox. I got it when I was in kindergarten, but it seems like kids nowadays just get the vaccine and never have to deal with the itchy spots. If you are in that generation where you never got chicken pox in school, and never got around to getting vaccinated, probably should just do it because you never know with kids nowadays.
5. Influenza. Now, personally, every time I get the flu shot, I get so sick, so I never get one and I never get sick. BUT, my immune system is a champ so you should probably get it unless you know that yours is a champ as well (i.e. you haven't taken a sick day in 15 months.)
And remember the Prison Golden Rule: If it's wet and it's not yours, DON'T TOUCH IT.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Staying healthy in prison
Prison is full of germs. There's just no way around it when you have 900 staff and offenders crammed in a space the size of a small commune. People get all sorts of crazy diseases besides the general ones you associate with sharing things like dirty needles. I got mono one time and was out for two weeks! All the clerks were sure that I had died haha. Just today one of the clerks said they had Whooping Cough. Yikes!
So, what is a prison librarian to do to stay healthy in a germ-filled environment? Well, first of all, I say some germs are good for you because it strengthens your immune system so there's no need to go crazy with hand sanitizer and Virex. Just follow these simple tips to stay healthy in prison:
1. Work out and eat healthy. This is important no matter where you work and you will feel so much better.
2. Don't let anyone use your pen. You don't know where their hands have been AND you probably won't ever get it back if you let it out of your sight.
3. Wash your hands prior to eating lunch and after handling library books. Books are dirty. You don't want to eat that.
4. Take sick time when you are sick, but try and keep a week or two in the bank justincase you come down with something really nasty. There's nothing worse than needing to take sick time and not getting paid or having to use your vacation time.
5. Drink lots of water. Hydration flushes out germs.
6. No touching in prison. This rule is helpful for so many situations!
7. Don't have sex with offenders. See rule #6.
1. Work out and eat healthy. This is important no matter where you work and you will feel so much better.
2. Don't let anyone use your pen. You don't know where their hands have been AND you probably won't ever get it back if you let it out of your sight.
3. Wash your hands prior to eating lunch and after handling library books. Books are dirty. You don't want to eat that.
4. Take sick time when you are sick, but try and keep a week or two in the bank justincase you come down with something really nasty. There's nothing worse than needing to take sick time and not getting paid or having to use your vacation time.
5. Drink lots of water. Hydration flushes out germs.
6. No touching in prison. This rule is helpful for so many situations!
7. Don't have sex with offenders. See rule #6.
During your first year or so you will probably be more sick than you will be after that. This is because your body is getting used to the new germ situation. But stick it out, take vitamin C and you should be feeling fine in no time.
Monday, March 3, 2014
So you want to be a prison librarian-tips for getting hired
Greetings, loyal readers and potential prison librarians! Happy 2014! This post today is dedicated to all the job seekers who are interested in actually working in a prison library. I am going to give you some helpful tips and pointers for your interview that you can use if you are being considered for a prison library position.
1. Pay close attention to the geographic requirements of the job. Most prisons are in rural areas, which is good for cost of living, bad for your social life. First, consider if you really want to work 2+ hours away from the nearest metropolitan area. Second, if you are already in a rural area and lucky enough to get an interview for an urban prison librarian position, please do research on housing availability and prices BEFORE the interview. If you decide that you don't want to/can't afford to live in a place AFTER you have rocked the interview and gotten everyone all excited, that will be disappointing for everyone involved.
2. If you get an interview-BRING A RESUME. Better yet, bring three copies of your resume. Never assume I know who you are. My HR department does not give me ANY background info on the people I am interviewing. The more materials you have to leave for me, the better and longer-lasting impression you will make.
3. I do not want your 6 page CV that details every little thing you have ever done in your entire life. Keep it to two pages MAX and I want everything in it related to the position at hand. If you have no prison experience, that is ok. Detail how the experience you DO have will benefit my library.
4. When asked the million dollar question, "So. Why are you interested in working in a prison library?" DO NOT say "Well, I am really not, it is just something I applied for." When I have six candidates, and two say "I am really interested in correctional librarianship because......" and the other four are just there because they are trying to find a job, any job, I am going to pick the ones who want to be there. Prison is hard, and if you are just looking for a job, any job, my suggestion is to also apply at a book store.
5. Do some research about the prison at which you are applying. (You should really research any place to which you are applying.) If you can't find anything about the prison in particular, read some books about correctional librarianship. You know that part in the job advertisement where it says "For questions, contact________"? It is ok to call them and talk about the position. Ask intelligent questions like, "What is the culture of your institution?" and "What personality types would fit best in this position?" That way you can a.) pre-screen the position to see if you would be a good fit and b.) ask even more intelligent questions in the interview because you already have some background about the place. The National Institute of Corrections is a phenomenal resource to learn about the trends in corrections that are mirrored in correctional librarianship. Trauma-Informed Approaches? Yep, we are trending towards that. Gender-Informed Practice? Yes, we are changing our culture to reflect that too. If anyone knew about those buzz words during an interview with me, they would score at least 10 extra credit points, even if they have no library experience beyond the minimum qualifications.
6. The background check. You will be subjected to a background check and drug test prior to your employment in a prison library. I had one applicant who was PHENOMENAL. This person had all the right qualities for the position. Unfortunately, they did not pass the background check. If there is anything in your past or present that might preclude you from working here, just be advised that they dig up EVERYTHING. So be honest, and if there is anything questionable just know that even though you might be the perfect person for the job, if you can't jump through the hoops, you will not be eligible for hire.
In conclusion, dear readers, a final word of wisdom: Even if you don't get that job, it doesn't mean you are a bad person or a bad librarian. It just means that you weren't right for the position at that moment. So if prison libraries are something you are passionate about, think about what I said, re-tool your resume and interview skills, dust yourself off and try again. Until next time!
1. Pay close attention to the geographic requirements of the job. Most prisons are in rural areas, which is good for cost of living, bad for your social life. First, consider if you really want to work 2+ hours away from the nearest metropolitan area. Second, if you are already in a rural area and lucky enough to get an interview for an urban prison librarian position, please do research on housing availability and prices BEFORE the interview. If you decide that you don't want to/can't afford to live in a place AFTER you have rocked the interview and gotten everyone all excited, that will be disappointing for everyone involved.
2. If you get an interview-BRING A RESUME. Better yet, bring three copies of your resume. Never assume I know who you are. My HR department does not give me ANY background info on the people I am interviewing. The more materials you have to leave for me, the better and longer-lasting impression you will make.
3. I do not want your 6 page CV that details every little thing you have ever done in your entire life. Keep it to two pages MAX and I want everything in it related to the position at hand. If you have no prison experience, that is ok. Detail how the experience you DO have will benefit my library.
4. When asked the million dollar question, "So. Why are you interested in working in a prison library?" DO NOT say "Well, I am really not, it is just something I applied for." When I have six candidates, and two say "I am really interested in correctional librarianship because......" and the other four are just there because they are trying to find a job, any job, I am going to pick the ones who want to be there. Prison is hard, and if you are just looking for a job, any job, my suggestion is to also apply at a book store.
5. Do some research about the prison at which you are applying. (You should really research any place to which you are applying.) If you can't find anything about the prison in particular, read some books about correctional librarianship. You know that part in the job advertisement where it says "For questions, contact________"? It is ok to call them and talk about the position. Ask intelligent questions like, "What is the culture of your institution?" and "What personality types would fit best in this position?" That way you can a.) pre-screen the position to see if you would be a good fit and b.) ask even more intelligent questions in the interview because you already have some background about the place. The National Institute of Corrections is a phenomenal resource to learn about the trends in corrections that are mirrored in correctional librarianship. Trauma-Informed Approaches? Yep, we are trending towards that. Gender-Informed Practice? Yes, we are changing our culture to reflect that too. If anyone knew about those buzz words during an interview with me, they would score at least 10 extra credit points, even if they have no library experience beyond the minimum qualifications.
6. The background check. You will be subjected to a background check and drug test prior to your employment in a prison library. I had one applicant who was PHENOMENAL. This person had all the right qualities for the position. Unfortunately, they did not pass the background check. If there is anything in your past or present that might preclude you from working here, just be advised that they dig up EVERYTHING. So be honest, and if there is anything questionable just know that even though you might be the perfect person for the job, if you can't jump through the hoops, you will not be eligible for hire.
In conclusion, dear readers, a final word of wisdom: Even if you don't get that job, it doesn't mean you are a bad person or a bad librarian. It just means that you weren't right for the position at that moment. So if prison libraries are something you are passionate about, think about what I said, re-tool your resume and interview skills, dust yourself off and try again. Until next time!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Conspiracy Theories
I have a library clerk who is a Conspiracy Theorist Extraordinaire. I am always so amused every time she talks to me because I am like, "WHERE do you come up with this stuff??"
The other day, we were leaving the library and I was walking with the clerks to get the elevator and she quips as we are walking out the door, "You know those new Samsung flat screen TVs? Hackers can look out at you from them! So think about that before you run around your house naked!" Granted, that's not a professional conversation topic, so how do you respond to that when you just want to laugh out loud? I smothered my chuckle and just said, "Interesting. I don't think that will be a problem." That way they know a.) I don't own a flat screen TV and b.) I don't run around the house naked. I guess "Nudity is not an appropriate work-related conversation topic" but I always think of better things to say after the fact. And it just makes me laugh so much, I don't want to discourage her creativity. Plus, then I would not have such funny things to report to all you potential prison librarians out there.
Update:
Being a librarian, I decided to do some research into this conspiracy theory, and it turns out there is some information out there:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2117493/Samsungs-latest-TV-sets-built-cameras-spark-concerns.html
Apparently, it's not just hackers who will be watching your private display of nudity, but the entire staff of Samsung...
The other day, we were leaving the library and I was walking with the clerks to get the elevator and she quips as we are walking out the door, "You know those new Samsung flat screen TVs? Hackers can look out at you from them! So think about that before you run around your house naked!" Granted, that's not a professional conversation topic, so how do you respond to that when you just want to laugh out loud? I smothered my chuckle and just said, "Interesting. I don't think that will be a problem." That way they know a.) I don't own a flat screen TV and b.) I don't run around the house naked. I guess "Nudity is not an appropriate work-related conversation topic" but I always think of better things to say after the fact. And it just makes me laugh so much, I don't want to discourage her creativity. Plus, then I would not have such funny things to report to all you potential prison librarians out there.
Update:
Being a librarian, I decided to do some research into this conspiracy theory, and it turns out there is some information out there:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2117493/Samsungs-latest-TV-sets-built-cameras-spark-concerns.html
Apparently, it's not just hackers who will be watching your private display of nudity, but the entire staff of Samsung...
Sunday, August 18, 2013
You know you've made it when your profession is satirized on The Simpsons
The Simpsons is my favorite TV show of all time. It is so funny, the writing is excellent, and the topics are always current. So imagine my amusement when I saw the Chief of Harts Episode and the following exchange between Homer and the Judge:
Judge Constance Harm: Homer Simpson, for causing a panic in a bank, I hereby sentence you to 100 hours of community service.
Homer Simpson: Community service? But... that's work! What about jail?
Judge Constance Harm: [Pounds gavel] Community service!
Homer Simpson: No! Please send me to jail! Free meals! Teardrop tattoos! Library books that come to you! I'll serve anything but the community!
Library books that come to you? HAHAHAHA it's funny because it's TRUE. We spend at least 8-10 hours a week delivering library books to patrons who are unable to come to the library due to illness, not playing well with others or leaving razors in the library for the female patrons to find when you are a male patron. (Aside: ok, if you are going to leave razors in the books for the other patrons to find, DON'T TALK ABOUT IT IN YOUR MAIL THAT YOU MAIL FROM ONE FACILITY TO THE OTHER BECAUSE WE READ ALL INCOMING MAIL.)
There have actually been a few episodes of The Simpsons where Homer goes to jail. In one, Homer becomes a snitch and gets special treatment before the other prisoners find out that he's informing and beat him up. Not having dealt with snitches as a librarian, I can't speak to the fact that they get special treatment, but at some DOC's I would not be surprised. All I know is the cliche "Snitches get stitches" which I can definitely tell is the motivation behind people refusing to tell me how a book got damaged, aside from swearing up and down that they didn't do it. Probably, they didn't but they will NEVER tell me who did, and since they signed the user agreement they are the ones paying for it. Of course, even if they did tell me, the book is checked out to them so they are responsible anyway, so maybe for them it's better not to tell me because then you'd be out the $7.99 AND get beat up with a lock in a sock later in the evening.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Things you notice that you never noticed before prison, Episode I
Greetings readers! Things have been more stressful than funny in prison lately, and I haven't had any good things for the blog until I was driving home today, and I saw a Sons of Silence motorcycle gang member. The fact that I even noticed that got me to thinking, would I even have noticed that or known what his vest meant before I took Gang Training in prison? I think probably not. A motorcycle rider was a motorcycle rider was a motorcycle rider, and sometimes they like to ride in groups with balls and chains hanging from their handlebars and sometimes they just ride alone. Although I never understood the super high handle bar thing. Yes, your armpits are constantly being aired out, but don't your hands fall asleep? It seems that it would be hard to keep the blood pumping up there on your cross country ride.
Anyway, seeing this Sons of Silence dude reminded me of the Hell's Angels guy I saw about a month ago and I came up with a new game. It's called "Motorcycle Gangs I've Seen on the Highway BINGO." So far I have two squares, and I am going to place them on the board by the free space so that I only need to see two more to win. I think I'll also have a space for a Faux Hell's Angel, because one thing I learned in prison is that the Hell's Angels logo should ONLY be seen in profile, and if anyone gets a tattoo, or puts a patch on their vest with the skull facing forward, that is cause for DEATH. Do NOT disrespect the Hell's Angels skull facing to the left, or you will DIE. I might even make that one a floating wild card square, because if you see one before they are exterminated by the real Hell's Angels, well then you might as well buy a lotto ticket that day too because they are super rare.
Anyway, seeing this Sons of Silence dude reminded me of the Hell's Angels guy I saw about a month ago and I came up with a new game. It's called "Motorcycle Gangs I've Seen on the Highway BINGO." So far I have two squares, and I am going to place them on the board by the free space so that I only need to see two more to win. I think I'll also have a space for a Faux Hell's Angel, because one thing I learned in prison is that the Hell's Angels logo should ONLY be seen in profile, and if anyone gets a tattoo, or puts a patch on their vest with the skull facing forward, that is cause for DEATH. Do NOT disrespect the Hell's Angels skull facing to the left, or you will DIE. I might even make that one a floating wild card square, because if you see one before they are exterminated by the real Hell's Angels, well then you might as well buy a lotto ticket that day too because they are super rare.
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